What else is there to do...
When you expected to be a mom, and instead you're a miscarriage survivor struggling with infertility? 

Friday, February 11, 2011

What I hate about this

Whenever I was doing a medicated cycle with trigger shot and timed intercourse, I would go into the fertility clinic, have the doctor wand me, find out my eggs were ready, and then go into the nurse's office.  She would give me my trigger shot, my instruction sheet, and my progesterone draw order, then say, "Now go home and get pregnant, we can't do any more for you this cycle.  You guys have to do the rest on your own."  I know she didn't mean to be rude.  I know she must do the same thing all day every day and she just needs some casual comment to say to everyone because the whole thing is awkward.  But still.

I GET IT.  We suck at reproducing.  We can't just have sex in the privacy of our own bed and magically end up with a baby like the majority of people on earth.  I have to have a doctor stick tools in my private parts.  I have to get injected with medications.  I have to increase hormones that already drive normal people crazy.  We have to have an instruction sheet to tell us what to do, even though we have been doing this for 2 years and we already know what to do.  Believe me, every day, every single day, I get it.  We suck at making babies.  We obviously can't do the rest on our own.  Maybe we can't do it at all.  I get it.

So now we have moved up a level.  After I get the trigger shot, we don't have to do the rest on our own.  In fact, when we want to have sex, we aren't even allowed to do it.  Instead we get to wake up at 5:30 on a Saturday morning and drive an hour to the fertility clinic.  I get to wait in the car (because there is no waiting room) while my husband goes into a room and masturbates into a cup.  We get to go sit at McDonald's staring at each other for an hour and a half while some lab techs try to improve his sperm.  Then I get to lay on a table, have a tube inserted into my uterus, and have the few remaining sperm squirted into my uterus.  Then I get to lie on the table for 10 minutes, cramping, thinking that this is never going to work because there weren't enough sperm, thinking that we'll be back here next month doing the exact same thing, thinking that I know I'll never be able to stop putting us through this crap even if we never get a baby out of it.

So, there it is.  That's what I hate.  I hate that it is painfully obvious that we can't do this.  I hate that we have to invest so much time, so much emotional energy, and so much money and we don't even know if this will work.  I just hate it.