What else is there to do...
When you expected to be a mom, and instead you're a miscarriage survivor struggling with infertility? 

Friday, February 11, 2011

What I hate about this

Whenever I was doing a medicated cycle with trigger shot and timed intercourse, I would go into the fertility clinic, have the doctor wand me, find out my eggs were ready, and then go into the nurse's office.  She would give me my trigger shot, my instruction sheet, and my progesterone draw order, then say, "Now go home and get pregnant, we can't do any more for you this cycle.  You guys have to do the rest on your own."  I know she didn't mean to be rude.  I know she must do the same thing all day every day and she just needs some casual comment to say to everyone because the whole thing is awkward.  But still.

I GET IT.  We suck at reproducing.  We can't just have sex in the privacy of our own bed and magically end up with a baby like the majority of people on earth.  I have to have a doctor stick tools in my private parts.  I have to get injected with medications.  I have to increase hormones that already drive normal people crazy.  We have to have an instruction sheet to tell us what to do, even though we have been doing this for 2 years and we already know what to do.  Believe me, every day, every single day, I get it.  We suck at making babies.  We obviously can't do the rest on our own.  Maybe we can't do it at all.  I get it.

So now we have moved up a level.  After I get the trigger shot, we don't have to do the rest on our own.  In fact, when we want to have sex, we aren't even allowed to do it.  Instead we get to wake up at 5:30 on a Saturday morning and drive an hour to the fertility clinic.  I get to wait in the car (because there is no waiting room) while my husband goes into a room and masturbates into a cup.  We get to go sit at McDonald's staring at each other for an hour and a half while some lab techs try to improve his sperm.  Then I get to lay on a table, have a tube inserted into my uterus, and have the few remaining sperm squirted into my uterus.  Then I get to lie on the table for 10 minutes, cramping, thinking that this is never going to work because there weren't enough sperm, thinking that we'll be back here next month doing the exact same thing, thinking that I know I'll never be able to stop putting us through this crap even if we never get a baby out of it.

So, there it is.  That's what I hate.  I hate that it is painfully obvious that we can't do this.  I hate that we have to invest so much time, so much emotional energy, and so much money and we don't even know if this will work.  I just hate it.

Sunday, January 30, 2011

Here We Go...

I went in on Thursday for my follie monitoring ultrasound.  My lining looked good at 9 mm, and I had one 24 mm follie on my right ovary.  I triggered that night, and we went in yesterday for our first IUI.

We ended up with 5 million swimmers for the IUI.  My RE said it looked good, but from what I've read, 5 million really isn't too good of a number.  I'm sure you'll hear more about this from me, since I've started obsessively reading about sperm counts and thinking about what it means ;)

The IUI itself was a little more painful than I expected, and I had some cramping afterward.  I had an acupuncture session right after to help me relax, and by the time I left, the cramps were gone.

Something about the whole morning just left me feeling really down, and I feel like I can almost put my finger on it, but not quite.  I think I might devote a whole post to it in a few days.

For now, I'm adding in progesterone and baby aspirin, and hoping that I get a BFP in a couple weeks so I don't have to think about IUIs and sperm counts anymore.

How Fun!

Thank you so much to Hope at Invisible Mother for giving me The Stylish Blogger Award!

The rules for accepting this award are:

1.  Thank and link back to the person who awarded you the award.
2.  Share 7 things about yourself.
3.  Award 15 other bloggers.
4.  Contact the bloggers and tell them about the award.

7 Things About Me:

1.  I love being outdoors... camping, hiking, canoeing, I love it all :)
2.  I am an obsessive TV watcher on Netflix.  If left to my own devices, I will sit down and watch all the episodes of a series (Season 1 to the end) without watching a single other thing.
3.  I have two dogs that I love to pieces.  One is a 6 year old border collie mix.  The other is a 2 year old mutt of some sort.  They look like sisters, and they love cuddling!
4.  I am working on a Master's degree in Me.dical Mic.robiol.ogy and Immu.nolo.gy right now.
5.  When I was little, I fell through the ceiling into the living room.  It made me famous for a while.
6.  I have lived in 3 different states.
7.  Most days, you can find me wearing a fleece or a sweatshirt.

I am giving this award to (I can only make it to 10):

1.  Jen at Discovering Joy in the Storm
2.  Keya at Stolen fertility... and my quest to find it
3.  Jay at Stork Stalking
4.  msshamisdavis at The crazy ramblings of a confused soul
5.  b at The Journey to Our Three Little Kilos
6.  Shortcake4813 at My Journey to Motherhood
7.  HopeBPatient at Eggs Out of Time
8.  Stephanie at All Things Conceivable
9.  LifeLine at The Baby Chase Project
10.  Paula at Wyatt's Ways

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Another Cycle...

AF arrived yesterday for me, but I am surprisingly not too down about it.  I'm feeling more numb than anything.  And anxious.  I feel like there are so many decisions to be made right now about treatments that it is kind of overwhelming.

I think as of now we are on track for a Femara cycle with IUI... our first IUI.  I'm feeling kind of ambivalent about it.  We will do that for 2 or 3 cycles, take a month or two off if I feel like I need it, and then dive into injectables with IUI.  Come on, something, WORK!!!

I also decided to start acupuncture.  I'd been thinking about it for a while, and took the plunge last week.  The session was kind of relaxing, but afterwards I felt tired and out of it for a while.  Nothing too bad, though.  My period arrived with less cramps than usual and with more of a normal red flow (which I think is better than my usual super light, spotty flow).  I was telling my husband that in the 2 years I've been off the pill, I have never gotten through CD1 with this few ibuprofen.  Maybe the acupuncture is already doing its job!

Saturday, January 1, 2011

2011 is finally here!

I'm so happy to be able to say goodbye to 2010.  It was an awful year for us, and now we can look forward to a better year in 2011!

Starting with (I hope) being able to get pregnant.  I ovulated yesterday, which I think is pretty fun timing.  Maybe we can conceive our little one during the transition from the worst year to the best year!  I went for my u/s on Wednesday, and I had one 24 mm follie on my left ovary and 2 15 mm follies on my right ovary.  They gave me my trigger shot there.  My lining was 10 mm so that looked good, too.  I had some pretty strong ovary pain and pressure, and my temperature really shot up this morning, so I hope that means it was a nice strong ovulation with at least one of those follies releasing a lucky egg.

I have been doing a whole TTC regimen this cycle.... Geritol, extra folic acid, warm lemon water once a day, spearmint tea twice a day, lots of PreSeed around ovulation time, and now I will add in a baby aspirin daily during the TWW (and of course 5 mg Femara CD3-7 and an HCG trigger on CD14).  Phew!  That's a lot of work.  But I am phasing out temping... only doing about 5 days before ovulation and 5 days after.  

I was REALLY down for a couple weeks there... I don't know if it was the BFN combined with the holidays or because I had so much hope last cycle, but I was in a funk for sure.  And right on ovulation day it was like a switch got flipped and now I am SO hopeful for this cycle.  Come on bean, get yourself snuggled in!

Monday, December 20, 2010

Merry Christmas?

I am so down lately, it is ridiculous.  I am just sitting on the couch half of the time staring at the wall or looking at the same website that hasn't changed for hours.  I guess I really thought that I might be growing a baby right now, and instead I'm thinking about how I should have a 9 month old baby and instead I have nothing.  Can it possibly have been 15 months since my loss already??? It just doesn't seem real.  

I don't really care about Christmas this year.  I didn't get my husband any gifts, mostly because I just don't feel like going to the store.  It seems like every time I go, I get in line right in front of a newborn or have to wait outside my car for a mother to get her baby out of the carseat, or any one of a million other variations of being slapped in the face with what I don't have.  And we have to go out of town to visit my husband's family, where my SIL is 33 weeks pregnant.  Guess what the main topic of conversation for 3 days will be?  I guess it would be rude to say, "I'm so happy that you guys decided you wanted a baby over a year after us, and you will get to hold yours in your arms before we're even pregnant.  If we ever will be."  Bah humbug!

Thursday, December 16, 2010


I have spent the last 2 days building a nice safe bubble around myself, deciding that I will slowly tiptoe through fertility treatments, dragging my feet as much as possible, to avoid the potential sting of total and complete failure.  In my imaginary fantasy, I do not start injectibles until next fall, so as to keep 2011 IVF free.  That way, in 2 weeks, I am not in danger of entering 'The Year I Find Out I Most Likely Will Never Have Biological Children.'  Melodramatic, I know, but this is how I protect myself.

And then I talked to the RE's office today to schedule my consult to decide 'What's Next' after this final Clomid cycle.  And the nurse said she will send me some info on INJECTIBLES because that's what comes after Clomid!!!!!  So I stammer something about Femara, grasping at straws, and she decides that I should do Femara THIS cycle instead of Clomid and says that I can try 1 or 2 Femara cycles before injectibles.  No no no no no.  Pure and utter terror.  I'm hoping if I make it through today, I will feel calmer about it.  Crap.