What else is there to do...
When you expected to be a mom, and instead you're a miscarriage survivor struggling with infertility? 

Tuesday, November 30, 2010


I am being a really bad blogger.  I'm just feeling pretty numb about this cycle.  I'm sure that subconsciously I am trying to distance myself from TTC so I don't feel the crash as hard if I get another BFN.  Funny how there's really no way to protect yourself from the horrible emotional flood that you get when you realize that this cycle is a BFN, though.  But I'm letting myself cope however I have to.  This routine is just getting too old to invest so much energy into it.

I remember along my TTC journey I would happen upon an infertility blog where they were doing fertility treatments and had stopped charting their temperatures or using OPKs or peeing on HPTs like there was no tomorrow.  And I always thought "How can they do that?  I can't imagine letting go of those things, no matter how long I'm TTC."  But here I am, deciding that I don't care about OPKs anymore, and thinking about charting only right around ovulation time, and cutting out my internet cheapie HPT's.  

After so many negative cycles it just seems pointless.  Who cares?  It doesn't matter if we time our BD'ing right... how many cycles have we timed things perfectly and ended up with a BFN?  It doesn't do anyone any good for me to pee on all those HPT's and drive myself crazy over shadow lines when deep down I just know that it's a BFN.  So, I'm feeling BLAH, and I don't know how else to describe it.

I'm CD17, I ovulated sometime yesterday or today, and I just don't care.  Nothing will come of it anyway.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Mid Cycle Already

Well, I had a bit of a breakdown around the time of AF's arrival.  And none of the depressing thoughts that I had during that breakdown are gone, but the crazy sadness and hopelessness is much better now.  So I'm onto Clo.mid cycle #3.  I'm CD10 already, and have an ultrasound to check my follies on Friday.  I can't wait, and I am so hoping everything looks good.

Monday, November 8, 2010

In a serious funk...

The last couple months I have just been slowly sinking into a sad, sorry state, and I'm not sure what to do about it.  It seems like more often than not, I am hating my life, hating the things I have to do each day, hating how busy I am, hating that what I want out of my life, I don't seem to ever get, hating that I feel like there are a million things to be done and no one else is carrying their fair share of the load, hating that none of the million things to be done is something that makes me smile, hating that I feel like a victim, hating that I can't think of a way to change things right now, hating that I'm so bitter and unhappy, and on and on and on.

A typical week for me, in a nutshell:  Babysit on Mondays, Tuesdays, and Wednesdays.  On those days, I'm out of the house from 6:30 am to 6:30 pm if I drive straight to work and back.  On these days I am also supposed to be doing all kinds of errand-y things like, making a grocery list, going grocery shopping, paying the bills, cleaning the house, doing the laundry, etc, etc.  Thursdays I drive 5 hours to pick up my sister, then I do rehabilitation and care for her Thursday through Sunday, when I drive 5 hours to take her back home.  On those days, I am  busy with exercises/daily care/cooking/etc from at least 9 am until 10 pm.  So if you add up all those hours, I am working approximately 88 hours a week.  

And on top of that, in my *free* time, I am supposed to be finishing up writing my paper and thesis for graduate school and helping a friend edit her thesis.  Guess what?  None of that writing/editing is getting done because I am *exhausted*, and that adds some guilt and bad feelings on top of the pile.

Bottom line, I just feel like everything sucks.  And that's before I even think about the whole, 'my baby died and now I am infertile and worried I will never get pregnant again' thing.

I know I'm in a bad spot, and what I really need to do is be grateful for the good things I have in my life: my husband, my furbabies, my sister, a job that's giving us enough money to pay for the fertility treatments that we need.  But at the moment, every thing that I should be grateful for just feels like another responsibility.

Wow, this was long, guess I needed to vent, huh? ;)

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Did Someone Freeze Time?

Ugh, this TWW is dragging by sooooo slowly.  I can't even believe that I am only 5 dpo.  How is that even possible????? It feels like decades since I ovulated.  On Monday, I was thinking, 'Oh wow, sometime next week I will know how this cycle turns out.'  Now I am thinking, 'I will be 79 years old by the time next week rolls around.'  The TWW hasn't been this bad for me in a long time.

On the exciting front, I get to test out my HCG trigger shot.  That means I get to take a HPT every day, with no guilt or crazy feelings.  And can you believe that I forgot to take it this morning????  I must have been possessed or sleepwalking.