What else is there to do...
When you expected to be a mom, and instead you're a miscarriage survivor struggling with infertility? 

Monday, November 8, 2010

In a serious funk...

The last couple months I have just been slowly sinking into a sad, sorry state, and I'm not sure what to do about it.  It seems like more often than not, I am hating my life, hating the things I have to do each day, hating how busy I am, hating that what I want out of my life, I don't seem to ever get, hating that I feel like there are a million things to be done and no one else is carrying their fair share of the load, hating that none of the million things to be done is something that makes me smile, hating that I feel like a victim, hating that I can't think of a way to change things right now, hating that I'm so bitter and unhappy, and on and on and on.

A typical week for me, in a nutshell:  Babysit on Mondays, Tuesdays, and Wednesdays.  On those days, I'm out of the house from 6:30 am to 6:30 pm if I drive straight to work and back.  On these days I am also supposed to be doing all kinds of errand-y things like, making a grocery list, going grocery shopping, paying the bills, cleaning the house, doing the laundry, etc, etc.  Thursdays I drive 5 hours to pick up my sister, then I do rehabilitation and care for her Thursday through Sunday, when I drive 5 hours to take her back home.  On those days, I am  busy with exercises/daily care/cooking/etc from at least 9 am until 10 pm.  So if you add up all those hours, I am working approximately 88 hours a week.  

And on top of that, in my *free* time, I am supposed to be finishing up writing my paper and thesis for graduate school and helping a friend edit her thesis.  Guess what?  None of that writing/editing is getting done because I am *exhausted*, and that adds some guilt and bad feelings on top of the pile.

Bottom line, I just feel like everything sucks.  And that's before I even think about the whole, 'my baby died and now I am infertile and worried I will never get pregnant again' thing.

I know I'm in a bad spot, and what I really need to do is be grateful for the good things I have in my life: my husband, my furbabies, my sister, a job that's giving us enough money to pay for the fertility treatments that we need.  But at the moment, every thing that I should be grateful for just feels like another responsibility.

Wow, this was long, guess I needed to vent, huh? ;)


Hope said...

(((Hugs))) I hear you. Hang in there.

b said...

oh, i understand EXACTLY where you are coming from. exactly. i feel the same...and i go through waves of hating myself for it, and then waves of just despair..and then i'm okay.

some days i think i'm just filling in time until i'm really happy. and happiness for me is being pregnant again..because when i was, everything was perfect and i was 100% happy.

nothing like a bit of pressure to get you through, huh?

please know that you are not alone in your feelings. i'm right there with you, sister. *hugs*

Keya said...

Huggss...I hope you feel better soon. Like another commenter said, "hang in there!"

the misfit said...

I know how this feels: hate life, don't even know what I want to do to fix it. God willing we both find some answers to that soon.