I don't really care about Christmas this year. I didn't get my husband any gifts, mostly because I just don't feel like going to the store. It seems like every time I go, I get in line right in front of a newborn or have to wait outside my car for a mother to get her baby out of the carseat, or any one of a million other variations of being slapped in the face with what I don't have. And we have to go out of town to visit my husband's family, where my SIL is 33 weeks pregnant. Guess what the main topic of conversation for 3 days will be? I guess it would be rude to say, "I'm so happy that you guys decided you wanted a baby over a year after us, and you will get to hold yours in your arms before we're even pregnant. If we ever will be." Bah humbug!
Monday, December 20, 2010
I am so down lately, it is ridiculous. I am just sitting on the couch half of the time staring at the wall or looking at the same website that hasn't changed for hours. I guess I really thought that I might be growing a baby right now, and instead I'm thinking about how I should have a 9 month old baby and instead I have nothing. Can it possibly have been 15 months since my loss already??? It just doesn't seem real.