What else is there to do...
When you expected to be a mom, and instead you're a miscarriage survivor struggling with infertility? 

Monday, December 20, 2010

Merry Christmas?

I am so down lately, it is ridiculous.  I am just sitting on the couch half of the time staring at the wall or looking at the same website that hasn't changed for hours.  I guess I really thought that I might be growing a baby right now, and instead I'm thinking about how I should have a 9 month old baby and instead I have nothing.  Can it possibly have been 15 months since my loss already??? It just doesn't seem real.  

I don't really care about Christmas this year.  I didn't get my husband any gifts, mostly because I just don't feel like going to the store.  It seems like every time I go, I get in line right in front of a newborn or have to wait outside my car for a mother to get her baby out of the carseat, or any one of a million other variations of being slapped in the face with what I don't have.  And we have to go out of town to visit my husband's family, where my SIL is 33 weeks pregnant.  Guess what the main topic of conversation for 3 days will be?  I guess it would be rude to say, "I'm so happy that you guys decided you wanted a baby over a year after us, and you will get to hold yours in your arms before we're even pregnant.  If we ever will be."  Bah humbug!


Hope said...

(((Hugs))) That sounds more like torture than celebration to me. I don't know what your relationship with these relatives is, but maybe you could find a diplomatic way to let them know that you wish you could be happy for them, but seeing your SIL's belly and talking about her pregnancy reminds you of what you don't have/lost and then you feel really sad (not to mention envious).

Of course, my personal solution this year has simply been to avoid family all together, but that may not be an option for you . . .

I hope you find a way to make it through without too much emotional pain.

surpriseofunfolding said...

I'm sorry you are having such a rough time and family etc. does not seem to realize that you need some space to grieve.

It sounds to me also like you may be in depression ... I am there myself, and I recognize some similarties to what's going on with me. I hope you have access to medical care and/or counselling if you want to that. Sometimes it helps to be able to say anything you want to a counsellor. And sometimes they have good advice for you too.

As for Christmas - can you stay at hotel? are there things you can do to give yourself a break and get away?

I hope you can muster up the energy to get your hubby a gift. I know my dh would be very much hurt if I didn't get him some thing (though that may not be the case for your dh, perhaps it wouldn't worry him at all). I was tryhing to think of a safe kid-free place to shop but nothing occurs to me at all. Not even the liquor store is sacred. Hmm, maybe a naughty adult shop would guarantee freedom from kids ????

I hope you don't mind me sharing these thoughts. Whatever you decide to do, know that I am thinking of you and hoping things get better.