What else is there to do...
When you expected to be a mom, and instead you're a miscarriage survivor struggling with infertility? 

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Last Chance

So this cycle is another huge fail.  

And even moreso because my body was a true B****, tricking me into thinking I was pregnant.  I am normally not a symptom watcher in the TWW.  Really, I'm not.  I figured out pretty early on in my cycle tracking that most of my symptoms mean absolutely nothing.  Sore boobs, nothing.  Moody, nothing.  Peeing a lot, nothing.  Cramping, nothing.  Spotting, nothing.  But in the almost 2 years that I've been tracking my cycle, the only time I had sharp ovary pains when standing up was my pregnancy cycle.  Until now.  Just an extra pinch of cruelty for Christmas.  Hooray.

So we start our final cycle of Clo.mid with HCG trigger and timed intercourse.  If that fails (as history would predict), we will have a consult with the RE to figure out what the next step is.  Clo.mid with IUI? Femara with timed intercourse? Femara with IUI?  Who knows what our wonderful prize will be.   

I so don't want to be starting a new year with this crap.  And I have come to the conclusion that I am terrified of getting aggressive with the fertility treatments.  Because of the expense? No.  Because of the shots? No.  Because of the invasion of privacy? No.  Because IT MIGHT NOT WORK.  And if we use up our infertility coverage and don't end up with a baby, well that might be our final answer.  But if I stretch 6 cycles of treatment out over 2 years.... then I can avoid reality and pretend that it might still happen.  Ahhh, denial.

2 comments:

b said...

i'm sorry to hear that this cycle didn't work. i hate the 2ww -- i want to rename it the 2wd -- the "two week disappointment". i hate that pregnancy symptoms are so close to normal AF-coming symptoms..it's rubbish.

the cycle i got my BFP i didn't have any symptoms to speak of -- so all those cycles of watching and thinking and poking myself was a waste of time! how cruel.

i understand your fear of aggressive fertility treatments - but i am sure that one of them will work and you will end up with a take home baby. :)

Keya said...

Sorry the B&^%* showed up. I agree completely with everything you said. After TTC for so long, I have had every symptom in the book, but never been pregnant. So i know sore boobs and peeing more does not mean I am pregn.
We are starting off treatments next month. And I know what you mean about being scared of aggressive treatments - my doc suggested IUI to begin with. But I am thinking of clomid without IUI - just so I can stretch this whole things long enough....so I dont have to be dissappointed that the best treatments may not work.

Thanks for voicing what I feel :) Good luck for this cycle!

P.S - are you monitored with u/s on clomid?