The Gift of the Present

And that pretty much brings you up to date on the sad story of my dream to be a mother.

Except for one thing, today- out of the blue- I feel hopeful about getting pregnant this cycle! And excited to try!

And it made me realize how much of myself I have lost along the way.  I literally cannot remember the last cycle I felt hopeful about.  Or the last time I thought, "Hey in a few weeks, I could be pregnant."  

And here I am today, suddenly feeling like I want (actually want) to try (consciously try) to conceive (a REAL. LIVE. BABY.).  Like this is what it's about, and I don't want to force myself to forget that anymore.  And now my brain is going:

IAMSOTOTALLYCOMPLETELYCRAZYINSANEPSYCHOTICALLYJUMPINGUPANDDOWNSCREAMINGEXTREMELYFRICKINGEXCITEDABOUT TTCTHISCYCLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So after a year of TTC without thinking about what that really means, after a year without hope, I have suddenly convinced myself that this is my cycle, and I'm going to get a BFP (BIG FAT POSITIVE!!) on my birthday, and I'm going to be pregnant before the anniversary of Cricket's departure, and I'm going to have my spring baby, and I'm going to be a MOM!!!!!!!!

And of course, that little part of me that knows how the world really works, knows that I'm just setting myself up for a big crash, but I don't CARE!! 

It's so unlike me.  So unexpected.  But I guess I am ready to accept it.