What else is there to do...
When you expected to be a mom, and instead you're a miscarriage survivor struggling with infertility? 

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Learning to Cope

Soon after the Unexpecteds ventured back into the world of TTC, they realized that they were going to have to fight for their Baby Unexpected.  Mrs. Unexpected's cycles were extremely irregular (F-ed up, if you will), and on top of that, a family crisis meant that she would have to spend most of her time out of state.  

Still, they were committed to being together whenever there was a chance to conceive, even if that meant that Mrs. Unexpected would have to spend a whole month away from home so that she could be with her husband for the huge 3 week window during which she may or may not ovulate during any given cycle.

Months passed, eggs were ovulated, and negative pregnancy tests were a dime a dozen (more like $6 a dozen, if you actually do the calculation).  Cricket's EDD (Estimated Due Date) passed without a new pregnancy to celebrate, and Mrs. Unexpected spent a day silently mourning her baby, who would only be acknowledged by a late night phone call from her husband.  (And by her MIL (mother-in-law), who was SO SAD about their loss because it meant that now MIL could not buy cute baby clothes.  We musn't forget that tragedy.)  With Cricket's EDD passed their one year mark of TTC and their last chance to have a baby in 2010.

As more time passed, Mrs. Unexpected started feeling hopeless about their TTC journey.  She stopped imagining that time in the future when she would again hold another positive pregnancy test.  She stopped wondering what it would feel like to have a baby moving around inside of her.  She stopped thinking about an imaginary ultrasound tech's voice telling them that they would have a baby boy or a baby girl.  At some point, she stopped believing that she would ever be pregnant again.  Time and infertility had broken her.

And on top of knowing that she and Mr. Unexpected had months worth and thousands of dollars worth of infertility treatments ahead of them, she also knew that, due to a clotting disorder, her next pregnancy would be marked by daily Lovenox injections and fears of stillbirth.  It just seemed easier to let herself give up.  To keep trying, but to never think about what it was that she was trying for.  Because it seemed impossible that she would ever be able to get it.

No comments: