I don't believe my eyes!

I got a positive OPK! On CD15!  Am I in an alternate universe where my body acts normal?  Am I dreaming?  Did I give myself my HCG trigger in my sleep and now I'm getting false positives?

I was convinced that I wasn't going to respond to this dose of Clo.mid, and here I am, ovulating 10 days early!  I guess I was wrong!  

I don't know if we're going to really have a chance at a BFP this cycle because we didn't time things too well.  But if I can ovulate before CD20 again next cycle, I'll be ok!

I can't believe how much less stress there is in a cycle where I'm not waiting and BDing for 25 days!!!!!!!!!!! Yippeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!

So Pretty...

Yes, the title of this post is referring to my uterus.  And yes, I am in love with it because it is so. darn. cute.  I can totally imagine our little fertilized eggs floating out of my tube and thinking that my uterus ROCKS as a place to nestle in and grow!

So the HSG went well.... if you couldn't guess by my new crush on my own reproductive system.  I have to admit it was love at first sight.  *Sigh*

Everything looked clear, everything looked normal, and my RE was impressed by the small amount of dye it took to get spilling from both tubes.  It did hurt like a b**** for about 30 seconds there, but other than that, I am pain free.

Now come on ovaries, get with the program and get ready to spit out some beautiful eggs!! I get to check in on your follie growing abilities on Monday, and you really don't want to end up as the ugly duckling of my reproductive organs, do you?  

Scaredy Cat

My HSG is scheduled for this Friday afternoon.  I have to admit that I am not scared one bit about the procedure itself or the possibility of pain (which of course means that I will end up screaming for hours at the terrible pain).  But I am terrified of the results.

For some reason, I have convinced myself that something major is wrong with my tubes and/or uterus.  It's probably just me thinking that every other time I had testing done, I found out something was wrong, so why would this time be any different.  And part of it is probably my whacked out IF logic, which has me thinking that I can probably still have a baby with a clotting disorder and hypothyroidism, but throw a mis-shapen uterus or a blocked tube into the mix, and that's just one reproductive deformity too many.

Whatever the reason, I just keep imagining my RE telling me, "Well, it doesn't look good.  Your uterus is shaped like the letters B, F, and N, and that's just not a good environment for growing a baby."  Or, "I'm sorry to tell you that you're ovaries look great, but you actually don't even have fallopian tubes.  Better go adopt."

Ahhhh.  Deep breaths.  Those scenarios are both highly unlikely.  Right?

My First ICLW!

If you're new to my little corner of the blogosphere, here is our story in a nutshell.

Mr. Unexpected and I have been TTC since April 2009.  We got pregnant in July 2009, but unfortunately found out at 12 weeks that the baby had stopped growing at around 8 weeks.  It's been a year since we lost our baby, and we haven't had another positive pregnancy test.  We've just started seeing a RE, and we found out I am hypothyroid, so now I am on meds for that.  I also have a clotting disorder, and will need to start Lovenox injections with my next BFP.  We have some more testing to do this week, and this cycle we are also trying Clo.mid with ultrasound monitoring and an HCG trigger shot.  At this point, I can barely even imagine what it would be like to get pregnant again.  Isn't it amazing how a journey like this can suck all the hope out of you?

In more recent news, I (sort of) got the results for Mr. Unexpected's semen analysis yesterday.  I know his total count was 40 million (with normal being >40 million), his motility was 65% (with normal being >50%), and his forward progression score was 2++ (with normal being, from what I can tell >2).  The nurse said it all looked good, but it seems to mostly look borderline... I don't know.  I requested a paper copy, and I will talk with the doctor about it at my ultrasound appointment on Monday.  

I think part of my problem is that with so many things wrong with me (hypothyroid, clotting disorder, late ovulation, luteal phase spotting), I would just be so much more comfortable if everything on Mr. Unexpected's end was just absolutely, clearly, obviously amazing.  A crappy reproductive system meeting a mediocre reproductive system just doesn't seem like a sure thing for getting the job done.  Besides, what else would I do if I didn't manufacture things to worry about out of thin air?

Settling Down

I really feel like things are finally settling down for me, and it's such a great feeling.  

Mr. Unexpected and I were surprised to be on our own for the weekend (due to an unfortunate development that led to a sudden change of plans for my sister, but I am looking on the bright side here).  That meant that instead of moping around the house on Cricket's Angelversary, we were able to get out of the house, into the wilderness, and do some camping and hiking with the furbabies.

Camping, hiking, and just being outside are really what I love.  I am one of those people who just feels at home and at peace as soon as I enter the woods.  Unfortunately this last couple of years has been jam packed with things that prevented us from getting our fix of the great outdoors.  We had a great time, and I have decided that should we still be on this journey to conception next year, we will take a month off of medical assistance in the spring and a month in the fall, just to make sure that we have time to get outside.

Mr. Unexpected actually gave me a much needed metaphorical hand slap this weekend, too.  He said that he loves being my husband, and I said I didn't know why because it seems like only bad things have happened to us since we got married.  He said, "You got pregnant, and that was the best thing that ever happened to us.  Even if we lost the baby, it was still a good thing."

And he is so right.  It's so easy to forget the good parts of this journey.  But the truth is, I cried when I was waiting for my D&C because I didn't want them to take my baby from me, because I didn't want to lose that feeling of connection.  Because I loved being connected to our Cricket.

Cricket, we miss you so much.  We will love you forever.  And even if we never got to meet you, we are so lucky to have had you in our lives and in our hearts.  The months I had with you were the happiest of my life, and I wouldn't give up those memories for anything.

Remembering

One year ago today, Mr. Unexpected and I went to an OB appointment.  I was 12 weeks.  The doctor couldn't find the heartbeat on the Doppler, so she sent us for an ultrasound.  We found out that our baby, our Cricket, had died.  And nothing will ever be the same.

Cricket would have been 5 months old by now.  A real live baby.  A loved baby.

The pain of our loss really does grow less sharp with time.  But there are those moments where you really think about it, you really let it sink in, you really feel the unfairness of it all.  And those moments are.... what?  Yes, they are terrible.  But sometimes I think they are the only time I am being honest with myself.  And all the rest of the time that I'm living life as usual (or trying to, anyway) is all just a big ploy to cover up the fact that I'm so empty.

I miss knowing that our baby is growing inside of me.  I miss imagining Cricket as a boy or Cricket as a girl and believing that I'll get to find out which fantasy is right someday.  I miss wondering what it will feel like when Cricket kicks me from inside my own belly.  I miss Mr. Unexpected kissing my belly and talking to Cricket.  

I miss believing that I will hold my baby in my arms someday.

Yes, the unfairness of it all is so terrible, but sometimes it feels like it's all that I have left.  

Deep Breaths...

I am finally starting to feel a little better, emotionally.  More like a person and not just a giant ball of rage.  I have really been feeling crazy for the past week or two, and it is so nice when that feeling starts to pass and I can just be calm.  

I got a call back about yesterday's bloodwork.  The TSH is lower at 3.6, but still higher than they like, so the Synthroid plan is still on.  The prolactin is back to 20- in the normal range!  That leads me to believe that it was raised due to the high TSH.  But the good news is that means no MRI, and we are on for our monitored Clo.mid cycle!!!  I start with my first pill tonight!

I am wondering if this horribly irritable and depressed mood that I've been in lately is due (at least in part) to my thyroid being out of whack.  My worst days seemed to correlate with when my TSH was highest, and now that the levels are trending down, I am feeling better.  There is so much other stuff going on right now that it definitely could have been a IF- and loss- induced emotional meltdown.  But wouldn't it be crazy if these periods of extreme emotions were physically based?  Just a dream, I guess.

I just want to say thank you so much for all the amazing comments and well wishes over the past couple weeks.  It means so much to know that there are people out there rooting for me.  And that they can understand this crazy rollercoaster.  You're all amazing!