What else is there to do...
When you expected to be a mom, and instead you're a miscarriage survivor struggling with infertility? 

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Remembering

One year ago today, Mr. Unexpected and I went to an OB appointment.  I was 12 weeks.  The doctor couldn't find the heartbeat on the Doppler, so she sent us for an ultrasound.  We found out that our baby, our Cricket, had died.  And nothing will ever be the same.

Cricket would have been 5 months old by now.  A real live baby.  A loved baby.

The pain of our loss really does grow less sharp with time.  But there are those moments where you really think about it, you really let it sink in, you really feel the unfairness of it all.  And those moments are.... what?  Yes, they are terrible.  But sometimes I think they are the only time I am being honest with myself.  And all the rest of the time that I'm living life as usual (or trying to, anyway) is all just a big ploy to cover up the fact that I'm so empty.

I miss knowing that our baby is growing inside of me.  I miss imagining Cricket as a boy or Cricket as a girl and believing that I'll get to find out which fantasy is right someday.  I miss wondering what it will feel like when Cricket kicks me from inside my own belly.  I miss Mr. Unexpected kissing my belly and talking to Cricket.  

I miss believing that I will hold my baby in my arms someday.

Yes, the unfairness of it all is so terrible, but sometimes it feels like it's all that I have left.  

3 comments:

justine said...

I'm thinking of you, and of your Cricket. I hope that some day you can also hold on to hope ... but I know very well how that hopelessness and disappointment can feel like all there is. *hugs* to you.

Also: I'm hypothyroid, too, had two missed miscarriages and was diagnosed with secondary infertility. After seeing my 3rd endo, I think we finally have things under control ... I hope that they can help you, too ... because I suspect that my thyroid condition and IF/MCs were linked.

Elaine said...

found you by way of lfca. So sorry for your loss. My due date is Sept 18th so will always be a day in my heart. Thinking of you and hoping tomorrow is not so bad.

Illanare said...

I am so sorry. Will be thinking of you tomorrow.