What else is there to do...
When you expected to be a mom, and instead you're a miscarriage survivor struggling with infertility? 

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Goodbye and Good Riddance!

Dear Age 26,

F&^# you.

You really know how to throw the sucker punches that will keep a girl down for weeks, don't you? And then you don't let up.  You just keep kicking her in the guts until she can't breathe, until she can't stand, until she can't even remember who she is or where she was trying to go with her life.

Well, now you are on your way out, and I am proud to say that I survived you.  And I'm not letting you get away without some good old fashioned verbal abuse.  So, without further ado, let me list the ways I hate you.

1)  You took Cricket from us.  Age 25 let us get pregnant, see our little one's beautiful heart beating, and make it almost all the way through the first trimester.  And then here you come, Age 26, and suddenly, our Cricket is dead and getting ripped from my body and from our lives. What kind of a**hole are you, anyway?

2)  You changed all of our lives forever when my sweet sister (C) had a str()ke.  Suddenly C went from happy 24 year old to totally dependent on equipment and other people for all aspects of daily living, and she will probably never be the same again.  What can I even say about that?  It is just plain f&@#ing unfair, and utter bulls$@#.  

3)  You took me away from Mr. Unexpected for the better part of 8 months.  When C was suddenly dependent on family for 24 hour care, I moved back home (out of state) to help take care of her.  That meant leaving Mr. Unexpected and our furbabies for most of 2010.  Because you hadn't already done enough damage, you had to rip me apart from my husband and my home?  Screw that, and screw you, Age 26!

4)  You took me away from my small support system.  I had only a few people who I would talk to about the things that really mattered.  One was C, and she is gone in that capacity, probably for good.  And we moved away from the other 2 this year when Mr. Unexpected got a job in another state.  Now I have no one in real life to vent to and keep me sane.  That's just cruel, and I will never forgive you for it, Age 26.

5)  You stole $10,000 from me.  That is the actual amount of lost wages from my leave of absence to help care for C.  We could have been sitting pretty for all these fertility treatments we'll need, and now we're struggling just to pay the bills.  I don't usually care about money, but that one stings.

6)  You forced me to give up my PhD.  It should work out that when I take a leave of absence from school to care for my severely disabled sister, my boss is flexible (especially since he isn't paying me- see #5 above!!).  Instead my boss decides to put a completely unreasonable deadline on me due to a supposed budgeting issue.  And then he promptly hires someone to do my project.  And now I get a Master's for 5 years of work.  F@$* everyone!

7)  You gave me a clotting disorder that makes it more likely for me to lose more of my unborn babies.  Yes, that's right, not only do I have to have the normal recurrent miscarriage worries in my next pregnancy, but I also get to do daily Lovenox injections and worry about my increased risk of second and third trimester losses.  Way to stomp on the pieces of my heart, Age 26.

8)  You made me a psycho.  I used to be calm, cool, and collected almost 100% of the time.  Now I am either on the verge of tears or on the verge of a rage attack almost 100% of the time.  I don't know if it was the loss of Cricket, the loss of C as I knew her, the cycle after cycle of BFNs, or any of the other million things that have sucked a$# this year, but something has driven me to near insanity.  And I blame you, Age 26.

9)  You made me infertile.  Add this to the sad, sad list.  We have been trying to have a living child for a total of 17 months, and for 12 months since we lost Cricket.  We are officially defective.  It will officially cost us money to (maybe) have children.  And I am officially losing it over this.  *&#^^&@*@(#*$&&$

10)  You took away the life I dreamed of living.  A year ago, I thought that right now I would have my baby, have my PhD, have enough money to pay off a chunk of my student loans, have enough money to visit my friends, and have C to share my life with.  And now I have none of that, and it's not even clear whether I'll get any of it in the future.  I am truly lost.  What has happened to my life??!??

So, Age 26, you have f#$@ed me over royally.  And now, I'm kicking you out.  I don't need any more major life crises in the near future.  So GET. THE. F#$%. OUT.

Don't let the giant pile of negative hpt's hit you on the way out.


justine said...

Visiting from LFCA ... I hope that the next year is kinder to you. Good riddance to Age 26.

Mark and Amy said...

Umm...Happy Birthday!

Suzanne said...

I am also visiting from LFCA. I hope that next year is better than this one. While I have not had experience with miscarriage (and I hope that I never do - I am so sorry you have to go through that and deal with it), I know what it is like to be infertile for 33 months and in the middle of it all have a family member (my Dad) that had an acquired brain injury at the ripe age of 51. He will also never be the same again. It sounds like you are going through even more than I have, but I understand how difficult it is to grieve the loss of your sister as you knew her and deal with infertility at the same time. I am so sorry that you have to go through this.

Anonymous said...

Wow, your 26 sounds like my 29! Except the week I turned 30 (this past April) I got diagnosed at POF, and it was my mom, not my sister, that took me from my hubby for the better part of our first year of marriage.

I pray that you find a much better year, and life, to come.